It wasn’t supposed to work out this way…..

It wasn’t supposed to work out this way…I thought it would turn out different.

I thought that I would work for a COMPANY THAT TRUSTED ME, a company that valued me as an employee, where I was more than an employee AND part of a team, part of a pro-active close knit team that made things happen.

Instead I am a drone, no name, no face, anxious every time I am not where I ‘should’ be, not doing what I ‘should’ be and not producing what I ‘should’ be.

I have skills, I have talent, but neither of these are valued by my current employer.

It wasn’t supposed to work out this way. …and today that is really, really frustrating!

Addictions…..and...emotional eating.....

As I was reading a post on Forbes Woman…..this made so much sense to me!

“The scientific community’sunderstanding of addiction has changed a lot in the last couple of decades.Where addiction used to be thought of as a substance abuse problem, researchersnow realize that it’s really a “bio-behavioral” phenomenon. They’ve discoveredthat not only can you get addicted to substances with no real addictiveproperties (like marijuana), but you can become addicted to plain oldbehaviors, like gambling, sex, exercising, and even eating…”

Yeah that is me….I have struggled and struggled…my problems with the Eat To Live plan are not because I am hungry, actually I am NEVER hungry…it is the emotional eating that I am addicted to and what I struggle with so much! I want to leave emotional eating behind….but…

I am fine until there is an issue with my life, if I get anxious, scared, sad or lonely I want to eat…not just nibble carrots, but have my comfort foods…I am not a cookie or ice cream binger, I want food like Famous Dave’s, Pizza Hut, Texas Roadhouse or the Imperial Buffett (Chinese) just around the corner from my house…

This addiction always satisfies, I always feel better emotionally….and just like all addictions, if I keep going on this way, I will suffer negative consequences….I won’t lose weight, I will increase my chances of diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a host of other health issues….

One if the hardest things in my life has been the feeling of being out of control with food. The Eat To Live plan has changed all of that….because of the plant based diet, I am not longer out of control on a daily basis, but just as I described above, when I start having issues, I start craving emotional comfort….

I have some overcoming emotional eating tapes….I want to listen to those….

But last night I threw caution to the wind and we went out for Chinese food and it was WONDERFUL……..

It is a NAIL BITER OF A DAY........

How many times can one person check their email? How many times can I check my phone......it is a nail biter of a day! 

Job searching is hard enough, job searching when you are a 51 year old woman is even worse!

I do everything that I know to possibly do!

    ·         I have 24 different resumes as I tailor resumes to     each individual position

·         I utilize my college’s career services department to fine tune my resumes, cover letters and interview techniques

·         I call or email to touch-base when my resume is sent

·         I have practiced the interview questions over and over again

·         I have polished my ‘tell us about yourself’ statement until I am a memorable and interesting ‘interviewee’.

·         I send Thank you notes after the interview

What more can I do?

I don’t know…I did consider sending chocolate covered strawberries with my last personalized thank-you card, but, decided against that when a quick Google search revealed that to be inappropriate.

So instead I sit here and wait… I was as prepared as a job seeker has ever been…

I rocked the 1^st interview, rocked the ‘screened’ interview with the HR director flown into town to screen the interviewees and when ‘rocked’, to send us onto the 3^rd interview. That was where I was awesome too…but what it all comes down to is this: 'Does he want me to be his right hand person?' Was there enough of a connection that we ‘clicked’? I made him laugh, he gave me loads of compliments, but we did NOT click as much as I wanted.

Never mind that he would probably not click with Gandhi on the first meeting! It is not that he was hard to connect with; just that he is a polished, reserved business man. Maybe I have too much enthusiasm for him; I don’t know….I was my best self, that is all I could have done.

So I wait…….

If I get the rejection email or phone call, I do know this: A global company was impressed enough with my skills, talents and experiences to interview me along with 6-7 others out of 100-150 applicants.  This gives me a LOT of confidence to keep looking for a good, solid position. It gives me a lot of confidence that I have the skills, talents and experiences that good, solid companies are looking for. 

And it will give me time to come up with the answer to the questions: ‘Compare your last 2 supervisors’ (I did well at this question)  and   ‘Tell me a time when you took a risk’.

Today starts week 4, day 2….

Today starts week 4, day 2…..

Of the Eat to Live healthy eating/living plan…

Easy Fruit Breakfast with Coconut! Yummy!

And…..I feel fabulous!

This was my breakfast!   

As we, Sara, Matt, Winter and I have traveled this road together, our pace of life has changed, we no longer stop on the way home for whatever fast food sounds good to us and the kids, we now arrive at home and either help make our new food recipes or we warm up what we made in advance….

We have all lost weight, ( I have lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks) but that to me is not as important.....as the fact that we all have a better quality of life!  We have glowing skin, better digestion, immense energy and happier attitudes! Really! Our emotional health has been affected too!

GLOWING SKIN…..what a beautiful thing! I have also noticed that the lines next to my mouth that make me look like a puppet are diminished also….it is the food that I eat…the Eat to Live food plan for life……

Forbes Woman has an article: Foods To Make Your Skin Glow, and it explained why my skin is so awesome…..I am eating all these wonderful foods that are so good for me and I am NOT eating all these awful foods that are so bad for me.,….

My heartburn is still gone, my skin is clearing, my intestinal difficulties are much improved, I have more stamina, more energy……

I am not saying that sometimes this eating plan isn’t hard…sometimes it is….many times it is the detox effect that makes me crave soda, chocolate, chips, etc….many times it is the emotional eating rearing its ugly head….I had a really stressful week this week and I craved my usual Maverick Bahama Momma dog, chips and a Pepsi several times….but I resisted and have been rewarded with a healthier body and life.

Last week our  team at work had a BBQ in 7 minutes...I was really anxious…I was hungry and I was sure my lunch wouldn’t compare with the BBQ and all the trimmings......I wanted chicken too.....what was I saying? I hate chicken...but I wanted to eat bbq'd food too....I knew that my lunch was tasty and would fill me up...but I felt cheated....

Mango Back-Bean Salad

In retrospect, I did fine!!!  The mango-black-bean salad was awesome and was actually really very tasty!!!  

I was pretty proud that I did so well....everyone could tell that I was doing something different than they were...everyone asked....I explained what I was doing the best that I could...really it is Sara who is the expert and her and Winter are saving my life...

My children are saving my life…..

I make my own luck…………

Where I work, it is a sales job and if you don’t meet your quota, you are canned…and quickly…

I usually do pretty well and am either at the top of my floor in sales or do well enough to be off the radar…

Though, what this means is that on a regular basis my friends get fired.

I hate that, good people, people with kids, people with plans; they get fired for not making a certain number of sales.  Never mind that the training can be deficient, the equipment sorely lacking and the quality of true leads non-existent,…no, they are expected to meet a quota and when they don’t, they get fired.

About 2 weeks ago another team member and I were talking about this very thing, she told me, “every day I am afraid for my job, I am afraid that I will get fired.” We talked about this for a while and she felt that is was only our team that is this nervous…..I wondered about that…is the manager of our team prone to quick firings and ramping up our nerves, or does this feeling permeate the whole floor of 60-70 sales reps.

Right after this conversation, I saw one of the TOP reps from the team that I was on 3 months ago. I asked him, “Are you ever afraid for your job?” to which he replied, not really, I asked, “Do you need this job for money, or is it just something for you to do in your retirement?”, he explained that the money is good, but he needed it for the insurance.  Then he said something really profound, “I don’t worry about things that I can’t control.”

I walked away vowing that I would never say something so incredibly stupid in my entire life, because as you see…..I MAKE MY OWN LUCK….

1 week later he was fired for not making quota.

I make my own luck…..I know the deal here, I am not stupid…..I sit on this dialer everyday and I make my own luck, I search for jobs, I apply for jobs and I work my ass off to MAKE MY OWN LUCK….

Part of not being  ‘PAUSED’ is not to let anyone else control my destiny but me…..I work hard to have a positive attitude because this enables you to make the best of every situation, giving you power over your circumstances instead of allowing your circumstances to have power over you!        

                                                                                     

                                                    I am reading this book...it is just FABULOUS!!!

McDonalds French Fries addiction......

Tomorrow dawns the beginning of week 3….I will have been on the Eat to Live plan for 14 days. As the eating plan becomes more mainstream in my life,  I realize that some food was and is an addiction for me….

Have you ever heard a song that just totally changed your mood and made you so sad and so sorry for yourself that you went from happy to crying in 5 seconds flat? That happened to me on the way home from work today. About 5 minutes after I was just thrown into the pit of despair, I passed a bill board with a HUGE picture of McDonalds French Fries on it, now I wasn’t hungry, but I remembered exactly what those French Fires would taste like and how salty they were and how yummy they were and I knew, I knew, that if I got a jumbo size and sat and ate it that I would feel happy again…..

And so it is true…..I would feel happy to stuff myself with those French Fries…I would lay there and feel satisfied and feel content…never mind that his kind of eating got me to the 3 ring circus of obesity, pre-diabetes and most likely heart disease…but when food is used for comfort….

But……….. I didn’t stop and buy any, instead I reflected on my mood, my sadness and what food used to do for me….and instead of drowning my sorrows in a McD’s FF box, I came home to write about it instead…

I read the excerpt of this poor girls abduction....it is very well written and thought provoking.....

Day 7........hit a WALL.........

Please take pity on me and show me your love and concern…..

I am hiding in my cubby thoroughly victimized and heartsick!!! There are sandwich fixings in the break room!!! I am not hungry BUT I WANT TO EAT THEM!!!

I have had the WORST 24 hours!

So far I have written about how wonderful, AWESOME and MIRACULOUS the ‘Eat to Live’ plan is!

It has been all rainbows and unicorns….

LAST NIGHT it wasn’t!

YOU can’t overcome emotional eating in a week and NEITHER can I!

It is obvious that I am an emotional eater…food soothes me….or rather I trained myself to let food soothe me…

There are those people who deal with their stress in other ways than eating….sometimes their ways are not healthy either……. 

When you use food for comfort, it shows.

I have had a pretty easy go of so far…no cravings, no desire to emotionally eat…

THEN last night I hit the WALL!  It had been a terribly anxious day at work, 2 co-workers were fired, friends of mine from my own team....

No matter how hard you work here, you have to have the numbers and my friends just didn’t..... a lot of us struggle to get the numbers…I am usually okay with mine, but this environment is so frightening at times…the constant concern, the fear, “is this the day that they tire of me and my numbers?”     

By the time I got home I was a nervous wreck……the cravings started about a half an hour before I left work, I was being pulled by a heavy-duty magnet to the vending machine for crackers, cookies, a BEAR CLAW!

I resisted, but again by the time I got home I was struggling. I wanted a Maverick Bahama Mama hot dog, kettle chips and a Pepsi, a far cry away from the plant based diet that I had been eating….I laid on my bed and the urge was so strong to give in….

I wasn’t hungry, but that is NOT the point and NEVER is to an emotional eater….I KNEW THAT THE Bahama Mama hot dog, kettle chips and a Pepsi would make me feel better! I can’t explain it, but it really does…..

But that is unhealthy, I resisted the urge.....

I remembered talking with my counselor as he asked me what the other people around me did to deal with stress…the ones that aren’t overweight…and so I went and played an hour of Plants vs. Zombies….the game distracted me, I was able to go to sleep later and the urgings passed with the dark (kinda)….PHEW!!!